Terrapin Times

Terrapin Times

February/March 2000

The Only Newsletter Written By A Toad,
A Dog, A Cat And A Hamster
That Has Nothing To Do With Turtles!

~Feb/Mar 2000~

~We Are Back!~

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, Turts and Crabs of All Ages!! After a brief hiatus your favorite non-commercial bird-cage liner, The Terrapin Times has returned. With a new look, new graphics and new publishing capabilities. Yes, Yes, Yes!! Everything except our staff is brandy-dandy new and different. Though you grew to expect, and even love some of the icons from 1999 issues, as slowly as we appear to progress, these upgrades are indeed necessary to tickle and titillate the toad. Some things never change. We hope that you will embrace and welcome these 'newbies' into your cages, home and hearts. We are glad to be back in the pond once again, still pounding each other silly with fronds in search for that all-elusive exclusive! TW Toadly - ed.

~Hoax And Jokes~

In October of 1999 the Terrapin Times reported the following: "on, or about, July 27, 1999 three vital staff members seemingly disappeared from the Terrapin Times offices. Apparently replaced by pod-poles to continue the mundane responsibilities associated with turning out a monthly newsletter yet there is still no proof that they were abducted by aliens highly unlikely, until now" The Times is overjoyed to announce that our 'missing' staff members are safe and sound at home. Yet with red in our cheeks it is also the responsibility to admit that the staff was always safe and sound at home. A magnificent illusion of chelonic chicanery indeed!

So who is our carapaced culprit? Several possibilities indeed, but we shall (in the Times exclusively) describe the events leading to his discovery as they unfolded before us.

~Blowing Up Aliens~

An alert subscriber brought a possibility to our attention: "..despite that your pictures have been duly authenticated (November 1999) perhaps if you would only scrutinize them in a different order" Still skeptical we reversed the order of pictures thus changing the sequence. Voila! A new train of thought speeds through the dark tunnel of befuddles. Alien #3 does not transmogrify into a Ty pod pole after all. Ty-pole is merely inflating Halloween decorations? Yes, this is not only possible but also realistic.

Next, time cards have not been turned for several months. Tracing employee movements has never been a factor when the promise of a finished product is fulfilled. Spike, the summertime turt, was in charge of 'schedule maintenance'. By always granting vacation time to two staff members, on rotation, and reassigning the third employee to third shift created the illusion of alien abduction. A few well-placed rumors only added dilithium crystals to the warp drives.

Brilliantly masterminded and executed, Spike got the ball rolling just prior to his return to high school. His absence never even entered into the equation. How many other turts do you know that fashion spectacles?

~Page 2~

~Ask Furbette~
Dear Furbette:

I have been a big fan of yours for just about ever but I have never written to you before. My problem is this-I love soup. Not stew so much but a good hot broth with a few fresh vegetables or even pasta thrown in for flavor, vitamins and texture. I really like to finish all of it but it is always so difficult to get all the juices at the bottom. Is it ever appropriate to pick up the soup and just drink it? I hope you respond because there is a can of chicken noodle riding on it! Sign me: Good To The Last Drop

Dear Last Drop,

Human etiquette dictates that it is only proper to 'pick up' the soup if it is contained in a mug. It is only possible to pick it up if you are human. You have neglected to mention if you are a hamster or not, and hamsters do not have their own dinnerware. If you are a hamster and are capable of lifting the mug well, I'd sure like to see that. (Mail the photos to me in care of this very fine paper) But my question is why? It would be an awful lot easier, (not to mention expedient) I would think, to climb up-over the rim of the bowl, do a few laps and then well, have a few laps! Love, Furbette

~Toothless Terrapins??~

Turtles Have No Teeth!! But their smile is genuine and irresistible. Lacking chompers, their horny bill will tear plant and animal food. (amorous amphibians will be discussed in a future issue) Turtles eat insects, worms, grubs, shellfish and, some plants. A few species are large and largely herbivorous. All turtles lay eggs (did we mention that amorous amphibians will be discussed in a future issue?), usually six to twelve, and bury them in the ground. (Sea turtles lay many more eggs) Under the heat of the sun the eggs hatch into young turts which grow to maturity in five to seven years. Turtles may live longer than any other animals, perhaps up to 150 years of age or more! Our friend Mr. Boxturt is 136 years old and still going strong! Small species of turtle have survived longer than 50 years in captivity.

~Pookey Prints~

They didn't bother to ask me. I knew all along about the pseudo-alien hoax and the backward order of pictures. But they didn't bother to ask me. I translated the encrypted message from the 'aliens' that read G I A N O M A D. It is really I A M G O N A D. They didn't ask me. I was pretty sure that Spike was only joking but soon new better and I would have been happy to tell someone, even TW, but they didn't ask me. Probably because I'm 16 and they figure I don't know any better, being an old dog and all. They could have asked me. I drank a lot of water today and badly needed to go out.

They really should have asked me.

~Toadly Outrageous~

As the managing editor of Terrapin Times I receive a plethora of mail and just as you I must perform the humdrum task of sorting, and reading both letters. My original intention for this closing column of our return issue was to be one of gratitude to our faithful subscribers. To receive only two pieces of mail during our three month hiatus is to say the least, humiliating. Further degrading and disturbing is the fact that they were both utility bills. Evidently this paper is going directly to the bottom of bird cages everywhere as opposed to being knotted up and used as starter for the fireplace, as our mailing list indicates that all of our recipients reside quite south of the Mason-Dixon line!

Please proceed to put your unbelieving eyeballs back in their respective sockets!! Of course you recognize the infamous TW Toadly sarcasm?! Yes Dear Readers, I have so missed you. As you can tell, we have undergone some major technological publishing changes and hopefully improvements. Soon you will even be able to link directly to us via the World Wide Web! (courtesy of Turtle Of The Month Club)

And yes, it's still acceptable to line the birdcage after you read this. Thanks. T.W.

E-mail The Turt (boxturt@boxturt.com)

Originally Published 04/28/00

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